Today's Column

A NOTE TO THE BOSS OF THE AIR MARSHALS

December 15, 2004

Dear Thomas Quinn,

Quit being an idiot.

I appreciate the leadership you’re giving the Federal Air Marshal Service, but you’ve got to pull your head out and get some air.

Either that or Osama is going to have to send you a thank you card.

Here’s what I’m talking about.

This nonsense dress code you’ve got is a barrier to American air safety. And the insane emphasis you put on it is killing morale at your agency and making you a laughing stock.

Remember, your troops have to do deadly combat at 35,000 feet so that we don’t have any more September 11s. How they’re dressed when they do it isn’t really the issue. You’re not running a Sunday school, you’re supervising the men and women whose job it is to put a bullet in the bad guys’ forehead.

As you know, the dress code demands, essentially, that federal air marshals must wear clothes that would be worn by a business traveler in first class. That means -- in your “Leave It To Beaver” world – shiny shoes and pressed pants, an oxford shirt and a sports coat. A tie would be nice – and is mandatory if the flight is coming into Washington, D.C. – and a suit always gets extra points.

Apparently, you went out to Reagan National on Thanksgiving to pretend that you cared about the air marshals. Instead of thanking them, you got mad at them. They weren’t dressed well enough. Seems like all that spending a national holiday cramped up in an airplane left their clothes too wrinkled for your tastes.

You weren’t glad they were in the air protecting our country against terrorists, you were upset because they weren’t wearing their best Hickey Freeman.

Which is nuts.

Let me tell you a thing or two: Nobody wears suits on airplanes anymore.

Nobody but air marshals.

Which makes them sitting ducks the next time Osama decides to play rough.

Americans on airplanes are slobs. That’s unfortunate, but it’s true. It used to be that travelers dressed up in their Sunday best, but the planes had propellers then. Now, people dress like they’re hanging out in their own living rooms. Sweats, jeans, t-shirts. That’s what normal people look like.

And your marshals need to fit in.

Because the last thing an undercover agent wants to do is stand out. If the Osamas come back, we don’t want them to have as their first order of business killing everybody who’s dressed well.

All of us who travel by plane – or work in tall buildings – would be happier if your air marshals looked like the rest of us. If some old lady with a picture of her grandkids on her sweatshirt can stand up and snap a terrorist’s neck, nobody is going to criticize her wardrobe. And if her wardrobe helps preserve the element of surprise, then it is to her tactical advantage and in our national interest.

Right now, instead of a corps of warriors on our aircraft, you’ve bred a flock of pinstriped bureaucrats living in constant fear of being docked a day’s pay because they don’t look GQ enough. You seem, by all accounts, to have turned this asinine dress code of yours into a serious impediment to the effectiveness of the Federal Air Marshal Service.

Maybe you need to get a new job.

And maybe you need to let the air marshals do theirs.

Anonymity is the key to their survival and effectiveness. By forcing them into an artificial and identifiable manner of dress, you risk their lives and ours. You dilute and possibly even eliminate the potential effectiveness of the entire service.

The incredible consequence of your incompetence is you’ve taken one of the most demanded responses to September 11 – armed federal officers on aircraft – and turned it into a miserable joke. You’ve broken the spirits of your marshals and lost the confidence of the public.

So change.

And let your marshals change as well.

Let them change out of their church clothes and dress like the rest of us. Not for them, but for us.

Because your policy isn’t only dumb, it’s dangerous.

Sincerely,

The American Flying Public

- by Bob Lonsberry © 2004